Pain revisited

Have you ever had your heart just break over something that may or may not directly affect you? I had one of those moments today.

I found out someone I know is going through what I went through. The emotional turmoil of wondering, 'do I stay, or do I go...?' I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, and to find it's someone that I care about? I just want to reach out, give her a hug, and take the hurt away.

Like me, she has children involved. Which makes the whole situation a brutal thought process. Feeling like you're at fault for your children's hurt, because you couldn't take the hurt anymore. How can you begin to explain that to them? How do you tell your kids why you're sad without it altering the way they see their father? You can't. You have to smile, and pretend like your heart didn't just shatter into a million and two pieces. You have to continue living as if nothing ever went wrong, because your kids need that.

You have to continue to wake up in the morning, despite wanting to lay in bed and fade away. You have to smile, and laugh at your children's silly jokes; even though looking at them, their blissful naivety, brings a heart-wrenching pain to your throat.

I wish I could reach out to those who are going through it, all of them, and tell them it does get better. Eventually, the hurt will fade, and though you'll be numb for a little while; I promise life will feel better. But I know those words don't offer much reassurance in the thick of it.

It's such a battle to get to this point. Battling emotions you never envisioned you'd deal with, while being "strong" for your children.

What is strong anyway? The ability to not cry when you feel it welling up? The ability to stifle the anger you feel? The ability to continue taking care of your house, children, pets, and a never-ending to-do list without crumbling? I never understood how you could heal without having that 'scream at the top of your lungs' moment. Telling the world how pained you are, how unfair it feels... how angry you are. Holding it in doesn't make you "strong" - it kills you. Little by little you lose everything that made you shine. You stop recognizing the person you see in the mirror. Your smile is no longer genuine, it's replaced with a forced grin to please those around you. To seem "okay." Always pretending to be okay.

I had those moments where I couldn't contain my tears, but I couldn't cry in front of the kids. I'd allow myself 10 minutes to sob in the shower, clean up and continue as if the whole thing never happened. If you decide to stay, you can't tell your friends - because they look at you differently. You can't tell your family, because on the off-chance things do change for the better, family doesn't forgive as easily. You so badly need their support, but know that you can't say a word. The secret hurts, pretending hurts, everything hurts. It's indescribable how alone you feel.

I hate knowing that someone is just now beginning this journey. They are where I was when everything began, and it's such a long painful road. They still hold that small glimmer of hope that things can change, and everything will work out; the fairy tale can continue. Just pretend everything was a bad dream.

The situations are far too similar. She's reaching out and wanting someone to tell her things are going to be okay, guide her on what to do. I desperately hope her situation is different in the fact that she can continue the fairy tale she envisioned upon marrying him, but the realist in me that lived through it, doesn't hold that optimism. There was no happy ending in my situation.

As okay as I am today. The pain becomes all too real again when I hear about someone else living it. I remember it well, I know what they're feeling.. I just want to take it away from them.

I remember wanting someone to guide me, tell me how to cope. How to deal with everything. How to make it all better, to feel better.

It's what she's wanting, needing, right now. I never knew anyone else who had been through it. I had no one who understood how I felt, but now that I know someone who could use my experience to guide - I don't know how. I don't know how to tell her to cope, or handle the overwhelming emotions. I was winging it throughout my time, I took it day by day and hoped to wake up feeling something other than hurt. That advice doesn't come off extremely helpful, it doesn't present a light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn't put a time-frame on it.

I feel helpless to help.

I still have days where I find myself mourning the loss of what my life should have been. When I feel overwhelmed trying to stay on my feet, and provide the comforts and security my children desperately need. I know it's normal, and will probably creep up on me for a while. However, the negative emotions, the hurt, the anger... it's all but forgotten.

My heart is aching for her, for her kids. I can only continue to be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and try to reassure her that it does feel better. It takes a very long time, but it will feel better. I can only hope that will offer some trace amount of comfort; that her heart heals quickly. Talk her through the rough days, reminding her she's able to get through this, and this too shall pass.

No one should ever have to experience this.

It just all seems so unfair.