The one-time explanation.

I always try to avoid updating/writing about anything that is negative, but sometimes the downer posts are needed to understand a situation a little better. I find that's the point I'm sitting at currently. If I don't explain at least partially, it's difficult to write anything new going on without leaving a lot of you scratching your head.

So here goes.

DH and I are officially on the road to the big D.

Commitment is extremely important to me, and there came a time where dishonesty, and infidelity could no longer be forgiven or excused. I'm a huge believer that people do make mistakes, that most everyone deserves a second chance, and a chance to change. However, if those "re-do's" aren't taken seriously, or are taken advantage of, it is no longer something that is deserved. I honestly kept forgiving for the children's sake, for the sake of the vows I'd made, in hopes that the apology/promise to change was a real one; however, things needed to come to an end for everyone involved.

I have always thought divorce to be an easy way out, and was always quick to accept an apology and try again. However I think I finally realized that if only one person values the vows made, happiness is no longer attainable, and you're able to say you've tried absolutely everything you could; then divorce isn't an easy way out, it's fully understandable. People have to want to change, and sometimes as much as you want it to be so, it just isn't going to happen, and they aren't going to.

We did try to work things out after the initial separation was decided upon, and that resulted in our 4th (and final) child being conceived. I don't feel I need to explain, nor go into much more detail than that, but yes, I am indeed 'with child' once more.

I was pretty upset at first. Here I am realizing all over again this isn't going to work, and now I'm pregnant. I thought this could have been "the" wake-up call, or been the hypothetical boot to the rear-end that got things on the right track; he disagreed. So here we are, again.

Being pregnant right now is difficult, however, I don't regret this child. I'm excited for every little kick, ultrasounds, and getting to meet the little one in a few months. I think all children are blessings, despite the circumstances that bring them into your life, and this little one is no exception. Though to some this situation seems grim, things happen for a reason, and I accept that. I refuse to have a child come into this world that was resented because it wasn't planned perfectly, or seems inconvenient. I'm excited for the new addition, and the children are ecstatic for another sibling. But more on the pregnancy portion later - after all I have several months left to write about the chaos of 3 on top of a growing belly. :)

It has taken a lot to finally write all of this, and it's hard to find the right words to describe how I got here, but I know it needs to be done.

I've done a lot of soul-searching these past few months. I've taken some much needed down time to evaluate where my emotions are, where my life is, and how I am doing. Really try to dig deep and unearth emotions I'd buried over the years; anger, sadness, defeat. I needed to understand where my head was, and how my heart was doing, so that I could begin to heal properly.

At first I became exceptionally bitter, making it hard to feel anything other than anger. I also became resentful to all things "love," declaring I'd never get married again. Overly dramatic? Indeed. - Yet as time passed, and I focused more and more on the things I had just been released from, the emotional turmoil I no longer had to endure. The heartache? Over with; I became more thankful than anything. This has needed to end for a while. I just refused to acknowledge it because I so badly wanted our children to have both parents 24-7. I also came to realize that that lifestyle would have come at a cost to the little people who are the most important to me.  Having an unhealthy marriage as an example to them on how people should be treated/treat them, isn't how I want them to grow up. I want them to respect promises, and be able to love and commit properly. This just wasn't the marriage to learn that from.

It took some time to gain an even more positive outlook, a lot of analyzing the past, and my inner feelings. You know, those pesky emotions no one wants to admit they have residing deep down. Surprisingly, I came to a startling revelation. I wasn't upset. Sure I was angry that after years of forgiving, remaining faithful, and putting my all into a doomed marriage - I was empty handed, alone, and pregnant. Yet, I wasn't sad he was gone. I didn't miss him. I missed the idea of being married, but I didn't miss my marriage. I realized I haven't been "in love" in a long while, and emotionally withdrawing just as long. I realized that a heart can only take so much before it has nothing left to give, and that's not the way I want to live. I was also sad to realize that I'd spent so much time catering to my broken marriage, that I'd let myself get lost in the commotion. I'd stopped taking care of my needs, and my emotional well-being.

I finally feel more stable emotionally though, and overall I'm a happier person to be out of a toxic marriage.

I'm also proud to say that I do indeed look forward to finding someone who values commitment in the same respect that I do, and cherishes the vows made before our families and God. I know there are men out there who don't mind coming into a pre-made family, and someone will value the work I've already put into making 4 children. Though don't get me wrong, I'm not looking currently, nor do I think it'll be in the super near future, but I am saying I'm actually okay with the idea of starting a new relationship, and actually a little excited.

For now I'm surrounded by an extremely supportive family, and group of friends, and for that I feel ridiculously blessed. I also have the unconditional love of 3 amazing children, who give me reason to be. Though they frustrate me at times, and I feel overwhelmed at others, I wouldn't trade them for the perfect marriage, or for life working out any different. I am also thankful that the embarrassment I originally felt for being single and pregnant, is not how others view me at all. Most are thankful to see me happy again, and out of an unhealthy situation despite being pregnant. I've learned to not be so hard on myself, rather be proud for taking a stand, and following through with the hard decision for a better, healthier life.

To summarize -

I'm content. I'm happy. I'm okay, really, truly, okay. It's a wonderful feeling. I'm not feeling lonely, or itching for companionship, I'm truly excited to be on my own for a while. Just enjoy my new found lease on life, my children, friends, and my family; but most of all I'm enjoying getting to find myself again. It's taken a lot to realize how much of 'me' was lost, but slowly, the pieces are all coming back together.

Things will work out as they should - I'm not worried. I'm in no rush, and I don't think I've experienced a more enlightening feeling. Life is strange that way, eh?